This poem, song, rap, whatever it is to you, personally I both flow parts of it, and sing other parts, comes from a memory early on in my self imposed 22 month sentence with the sadistic, covert malignant narcissist, and the absolute wealth of psychological information I’ve gotten in quest of my soulmate, as I didn’t want a PhD’s worth of psychopathy knowledge, just a significant other, but it’s like I took the “other” pill, and down the rabbit hole I went. So the knowledge I have after 3 years of dealing with the demon in human skin, Michelle Dawn Howard Deardoff, would have come in real handy when about 3 months in she subjected me to the first, and my first ever silent treatment, I told her how I felt about it, and rather than apologize, and move forward she went on some long narrative, and after about 15 minutes of listening to what sounded like I was being blamed for her not following through on what she decided she was going to be doing, and I was clueless to any clinical idea of either narcissism or sociopathy, but I knew I wasn’t digging whatever this was. So, I said whatever words it was back then that meant I’m breaking up with your weird self centered ass, and in response she said something to the effect of ” her not being worth it”, so i said; “Guilt trip much?” then she said; “No guilt trip, u Do you.” I actually already recorded this piece, but the beat just isn’t working through all the twists and turns in the lyrical content of the song, so I hope to have something up very soon.
You infiltrated my life, just to rape my mind, you never cared, were just killing time, bored and relentless are 2 words to describe, what you portray as lonely and passionate, as you cover up your lies.
Desperate and seeking, sneaking around and fleecing, church folk for their sympathy, acting broken and obsequiously, you hooked them, with your tendrils of feigned compassion,
but inside the lashing, you’ve kept pent up, against yourself, but you’ll not feel a single blow rather everybody else, it’s just the way it goes, you’ll slather up the names of those who’ve really loved you, and it’s all you’ll ever know.
Leave them aching and breaking, quaking in despair, but you don’t care, this is just what you do.
Slip a lip, displace a hip, make chips and dip, and call it a meal, they get their fill, though you promised a freshly prepared entree, perhaps on another day, is what you say, but never come through, but hey, that’s just you, doing you.
Seduction is all you know to gain control, and you do it very well, this hell you subject them to, but hey, that’s just you doing you.
Lies, manipulation, double standards, triangulation, monogamy is what you preach, but threesomes and orgies is what you seek. Never without an answer, to the questions you’re always asked, and never without a reason, your answers are always masked,
shrouded in confusion, as to how, who, where, what, why, and when, and somehow my conversation becomes a game,you must win.
All of that, like you is behind me now, yet you keep me holding on somehow , and it’s wrong, because I don’t like you, don’t want to fight you, excite, delight, entice, advise, excise, I need to exorcise you
that’s about the depth you’ve left, I’m bereft, and longing for any open door leading in the opposite direction, from the projection and deflection, insurrection, deception, and cruel intentions, others find it so hard to believe could be the heart of your existence,
but once beyond the wall of cognitive dissonance, it’s inevitable you’re seen as the mean, vile serpentine, devils wing, you take flight through the night just to fight to keep upright the mask concealing who I’ve been dealing, with in frustration,
but you hold answers, incredulous intentional disasters, all by your hand, not by chance or accident, but through malice, and malevolence, you twist words, and warp minds, once again just killing time, for spite, no it’s all in fun, for you most definitely, but you’re the only one.
The only one who gets to smile, gets to laugh, all the while the truth inside you, eventually shows, the contempt, and self loathing you must impose, upon others, to their harm, whatever happened to the charm, ur smile feigning true, as a grimace follows, seen only by few,
the pain so deep, but ur too numb, to comprehend the plight of some, not some but all, you’ve inflated, deflated, incensed, entrenched, enmeshed, obsessed, all this, and for what, just a slut, a facade, a trick deck of cards, an illusion, allocution, allusion, prostitution, to deal with this shit, gotta have an iron constitution.
In any case, I’m tired, no desire, fed up, heads up, is the reason I’m sending this out as a type of warning for those in mourning over a mist, a vapor, just a reflection, orchestrated to succeed in this caper, to steal the soul of the empathetic, genuinely sympathetic,
with magnetic harm, oops, I mean charm, no I don’t, I meant what I said, like I always do, and your nothing new, nothing to fear, only steer clear of the magick, yeah magick with a K, cause if you ever knew the Lord, you don’t today, and to be honest, something you just can’t do, but once again, that’s just you being you.
Hey, I saw you at the stoplight, you said that’s not right, here comes the gaslight, act like I’m starting a fight, so you can play it right, tight, slight of hand, then disappear for the rest of the night,
stomach is twisted in knots now, and I’m bout out of thoughts now, no brand, incomplete, strange beat, on the street again, but it’s much too soon.
won’t talk to me maybe for a week, or at least, the rest of the night, except to say, you’re won’t be interrogated that way, and you’re tired, frustrated and enraged,
what way, is it you’re trying to say, fact is you always get in the way, of the weight of your own lies, puts me in a state of is she or isn’t she and if she is why?
Enough, can’t do this no more, and even deserting, if there were certain things about you, that might make me want to feel, like want you still,
but it’s just not possible, for you to lay, aside the fake persona you wear, and when I compare, the you I see when you’re tired or doing your signing thing, it’s not a task, and you drop the mask,
but anytime you notice you’ve been at all exposed, you go out of your way just to provoke, getting ready to explode. And your attitude, you act so rude, not sure what it is you’re tryin to prove, but I’m sick of it, like almost every little bit about you,
or at least I can see, it’s clear you’re trying to do whatever crazy making thing you can construe. But hey, that’s just you doing you.
So, go on and do you, ain’t nobody here want to, and that’s just u doing u again, and again, I called you friend without end, but like always you played me for a fool, a tool, like a ball of yarn or thread on a spool, u train the brain to think whatever you want it to,
and you’re to blame for the shame of the game, that’s so lame, and then you act so tame, pointing fingers that linger, when I finally get an attitude,
telling others I’m just abjectly rude, cause you’d never divulge the truth, about you, and how obtuse, and out of touch you really are, you don’t travel far, cause you’re here now, and within these 4 walls, you’re a star,
so you think, but you ain’t it, you ain’t the one, and hanging with you, you know it stopped being fun,
and it’s been that way for a while now, ever since you betrayed me, I could see it in your smile now, over 2500 miles now, I went so far just to see that face, but you replaced me anyway, with no grace, straight face, common place, for ur kinda chase,
but I have to say, it’s a sickness, I have to say, nothing left I accept, except an apology, I’m sure I’ll never get, as you forget to say anything to the one you were replacing and the one who sealed his doom, sealed his fate, on your first date,
you got home late, knowing I would wait, always the trusting one, thinking you was out having good clean fun, man, I was such a fool, while you fill up the hours in your day, making excuses why you’re away, but you’re really just getting laid, every night and every day,
got the nerve enough, that you ask of me to pray to keep you safe, now I know it’s just more and more traits, stacking up to show the disgrace that identifies you, but you lie about that too, and once again that’s just you being you.
That’s right, narcissist, that’s just you doing you, I am of course disappointed sociopath, are you sure, the aftermath, of not hearing your voice or stealing my mask, but mine are only used for the sports I play, not to get in the way, of I love you’s, in every way, of every little stupid thing I do,
and I’m free to do me, with liberty, I ain’t got to worry about what you do or don’t see, cause I’ve finally reached that place, if and when I see your face, it reminds me of someone I thought I once loved, but I was too much, and at the same time I could never be enough,
to fill the empty beast, as she feasts, on yet another one, but this time I just have to say, sorry son, I had to turn around and walked away, because, it just got real to me, she will never be, any of what she promised to be, not only not for me, but for anybody,
it would have just taken charity, and others would’ve seen the reality of the real you, loving the real me, and we’d have gone from there, and the life we’d have shared to take our time, and to make you mine, but now, I’m gonna make… a brand new history,
and God forbid u ever let them see the shit you pull, as you yo yo some poor soul, and you take control, again, just like the last time, damn…. I knew u didn’t change
just changed the rules to the the same old game, added some players to entertain on ur stage, where you play life, play wife, grave site, sharp knife,
but still you go on too stupid to catch on too dumb to run, so u sit, don’t give a shit, if this is it, than this is it, but before I go let me get one more hit of that shit.
I’ve never done it, never made exception, in the midst of all your switchin, just like true grit, or any old western,
I let you flip out, twist and shout, screaming like gwen stefani when she was no doubt, now you pout, that’s really what you’re about, any time you don’t get your way, you act like a child at their siblings birthday,
and u say, it’s not fair, i don’t care, sit and stare from the corner in a chair, while the music blares form the brand new laptop, I just bought
now you’ve got 2, no wait, my mistake that one makes four, and still you want more more more, never get enough, never give anything at all,, just watch me crawl, starving for attention, affection, can I get anything from you more than abject rejection, projection and deflection?